What Do You Do When It All Goes Wrong?

lots of medicineFreak out!

Clearly that’s always the first and most obvious choice.

When that’s not an option, go for the second option and give in to what is – I rarely, if ever, choose that option.

Third option: keep forging ahead – Awesome option! ALWAYS

I was lying in bed early Friday morning and I had this weird pain just under my ribs on my left side. It was like contractions and I would sleep in between them or at least rest. I have a tumour on my pancreas and I was a wee bit concerned that it may be acting up, even though at that moment I have no idea what side of ‘me’ my pancreas is located on and what symptoms of said tumour would be.

Things get worse.

I could care less what’s causing this because within an hour I have ALL the symptoms of the stomach flu including fever and aches. Normally this is an unpleasant experience to say the least, but you take the day off work, take meds and all is well.

Not so easy this time, I had a workshop that evening and the entire next day that had been in the works for the past 3 months, with almost 20 people signed up AND IT WAS IN ANOTHER CITY.

Three hours away (insert Jaws soundtrack here)

I could not be away from a bathroom for more than a few minutes at a time and the drive seemed like a flat out impossibility.

UGH!!!!

To make matters worse, I also missed my mom – I hate that, she died when I was 22, but when I get the flu I miss her, I hate that ache almost more than anything.

The story of my life lately is ask for help…in every single area of my life,

So I reached out.

I texted my beloved and he brought over flowers and meds. Always helps ease the momma ache having someone take care of you (he didn’t even show up in a Hazmat suit like I would have either)

I emailed the workshop organizers at 5:30 a.m. that I was in dire straights as there’s nothing worse than having someone cancel something at noon when they’ve been sick since the morning and you had no idea. It started a scramble to find a sub for the workshop, which didn’t amount to anything

I took meds – tons of them. Enough to bung up an elephant.

I paced myself. By 11 am I could move and the meds where helping with the symptoms and I took one hour naps between showering, then putting on makeup and getting dressed and I didn’t die in the process – that was my current success marker.

I decided to go, relieving the organizers and in a way myself. I couldn’t even carry my workshop/overnight bag to the car as I was so weak and worried any strain would undo the mercy of the meds I’d been free basing.

I did the workshop – 3 hours on Friday eve and 8 hours on Saturday. I could hardly eat and I was popping my array of pills to manage.

What was my big lesson in all of this – DON’T EVER DO THIS!

Don’t do what I did

It’s BS, not always, but it’s a symptom of not wanting to let people down, trying to be tough and ‘strong’ and it’s knowing in your head it’s all too much and soldiering on anyways.

As I finished the workshop and made the 2.5 hour drive back to my house (I gave myself permission to speed) and crawled into bed 10 min later only to feel sick again for a good portion of the night.

I thought

I don’t want to live this way. Not pushing and striving and dragging myself around. This weekend ended up being ‘good’, but it was a reminder to slow down and honour my body, my illness and be extraordinarily kind to this body of mine.

I was talking to a physician this week and I talked about giving people permission to go home and be sick. We talked about people working through Chemo and not taking the rest and seeming proud of it. I worry that I would be that person. Not stopping to listen for even half a second to what my body needs…

I know it’s hard…ITS RIDICULOUSLY HARD

Some might say – ‘nice for you to take time off, but I need the money”

“Handy for you – you’ve clearly got some sick days, days off in lieu, some disability, some sugar daddy.”

Nope, none of those – I’m a single self employed mom, but when I really think of what I count as wealth, it includes time and health.

I want lots of time on this planet and I want to be healthy enough to fill that time well.

I don’t have the answers or the five point plan to make all of this unfold with ease. All I know is that I want to listen more intently to my body and what it needs; I don’t want to detach my head from it and drag it around against its will.

I want a life filled with richness and wealth; time and health to enjoy all the goodness that this life has to offer.

Above the noise of demands and pressure, I will listen and try to respond gently to what my body needs.

Leona deVinne