Difficult Conversations

Most people believe vulnerability is weakness. But really, vulnerability is courage. We must ask ourselves are we willing to show up and be seenStruggling with how to go about having a difficult conversation? Me TOOO!

I love a simple recipe to cook up some goodness and I’m including an easy formula to use when having those tough (dreaded/courageous) conversations.

We are hard wired for connection and without it we feel off, out of sorts and at times so deeply lonely and even isolated.

Communication is the key to creating connection and effectively communicating what we want and need, can be incredibly difficult.

Connection is my number one value and without effective communication, true connection will always be out of reach (dammit – why cant things be simpler?!)

The key to authentic connection is having the courage to be vulnerable, truly show up and be seen.

Lately I have been hiding, there are conversations that I want to have, if I had the courage to have them, but I have been avoiding them…

I know what I want to say, but I stay safe, hide and keep moving ahead.

So much of the work I do with clients is around accessing their own courage to stick their necks out, to really create the lives and businesses they love, but in this area I haven’t been doing my own work and that violates another value – integrity.

So this week I am committing to have those conversations, to be vulnerable and courageous, to speak the truth, not with the desire to hurt anyone but to create a stronger more authentic connection with people that matter to me.

I am not a math girl…even spread sheets make me break out in hives, but I do love a simple formula when I see one ☺

This formula works incredibly well to facilitate what might otherwise be a tough conversation.

First step is to get ‘clean’ of the stories that you have around this situation.

Use an MRI (most respectful interpretation) of this person and situation to lessen your own emotional charge as you enter into this conversation.

Then spend some time putting your situation into the pieces of this ‘formula’

Now you’re ready to start filling in the blanks ☺

  • “When I heard you say…or when you did this, or when this happened”
    Repeat the facts. Just share the data.
  • “The story I made up about that is…” (Assumptions are just that – stories)
    State your perception, interpretation, and judgments.
  • “And about that I feel…”
    Share your emotions. No qualifiers, just feelings: anger, fear, joy, passion, shame, pain, love, guilt…use ‘I’ statements
  • “My request is…”
    Share your requests. These are not demands

Alternate closing statement is to get curious and inquire about what has been going on for the other person. Always choose curiosity over criticism.

“I’m curious about what’s going on for you regarding this situation?”

This provides an open, spacious, defence lowering communication technique that allows the other to take in the information and speak to their experience. They may also have a request or be curious about something and this allows you to codesign how to work together more effectively in a mutually satisfying manner. Yummmmo!

If this doesn’t go well, what does that say about the person you are heaving the conversation with – is there a mutual desire for collaboration? Is this a healthy relationship that works for the mutual benefit of both parties?

If not, then you might need to utilize more tools and dig deep to understand what needs to happen and what you need to do (I have some extra help in an upcoming workshop series – see below)

Is there someone that you have been holding back with, not being transparent with, that you would like to have a conversation about?

I’m doing it this week – lets strap on some courage, together and make it happen.

AND…

If you are struggling with a really challenging relationship, either personally or professionally, or coming out of one and would like more info on how to communicate more effectively, create healthy boundaries and would like more tools to have healthy, balanced relationships – check out my upcoming workshop series – I guarantee it will change your life! Take a friend and get a discount ☺

Leona deVinne